On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
love makes seman taste better
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
