I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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