I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
