haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
