I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
