do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
