just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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