I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
