Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
