Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
