I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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