Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
We left the knife in your bed.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
