She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
