Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
