Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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