the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
