For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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