My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize