I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
