U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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