its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
