my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
