Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
