I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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