So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
