I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
