I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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