i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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