So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Randomize
