I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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