It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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