I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
