I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Randomize