i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize