I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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