just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
