Swine flu. Run for my life!
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
