Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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