i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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