I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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