Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize