His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
