you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
