I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
