my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
