guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
My butt remains clenched, sir.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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