Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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