walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Success! We fucked roommates!
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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