you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
