"it" just moved
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
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