I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I have feelings that need drinking.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
