Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
