I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Randomize
