So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Houston, we have a squirter
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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