I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Randomize
